Rather than love, than money, than fame, give me truth. – Thoreau
A friend once told me that while considering the consequences of Stage 3 with a new woman in his life, he imagined Chazz sitting on his shoulder, reminding him that “the relationship would dramatically change AFTER.” Besides appreciating my friend’s understanding of the significance of Stage 3, I wanted to know what happened – did he go through with it?
“Of course” he said. “And?” I asked. “Big mistake,” he lamented, “because it didn’t take long for the chinks in her armor to reveal themselves.”
I suppose, based on my friend’s experience (actually, it’s virtually EVERY guy’s experience) we could just throw our collective hands in the air and accept the crapshoot of the 4th Stage reveal. But what if there is a way to know – to really know what a 4th Stage would be like with a woman you ‘want to believe’ is the one?
“No way,” you say, “our only choice is to take a chance and hope for the best.” Really? Why? Why does it have to be a game of chance where, if you lose, your life can be damaged beyond repair? Why can’t there be a way, using an effective process, to know what a 4th Stage would look like? Actually, there is…
But before I explain how this process works, allow me to share a story…
Bob and Carol had known each other for five years. During the first two years, due to romantic involvements with others, they were just friends. Without the burden of a romantic relationship, their friendship strengthened, and as a result, their mutual attraction grew. So when they were both free, they began spending more time together.
Bob and Carol shared similar values, interests, activities, and lifestyle. They were comfortable with each other and genuinely enjoyed spending time together. And, because they were also physically attracted to each other, they carefully entered The 4th Stage Framework.
I say carefully because they both were painfully aware of the possibility the romantic relationship could fail. They agreed their friendship was too important to lose, so they proceeded with caution.
Now, you may be thinking, “these two are perfect for each other and would make a great couple!” Right? In fact, if this was a ROMCOM, the movie would end with them getting married on a Maui beach at sunset. They live happily ever after. Fade to black.
Fortunately, life is NOT a ROMCOM. Here’s what actually happened…
Bob was a free spirit, and to a certain extent, so was Carol. They both cherished their independence and shared the ‘loner’ trait. Their mutual attraction was obvious. But most importantly, they accepted each other “as is.” The freedom to be true to themselves was respected – unconditionally. Until…
Stage 3
After staying in the Stage 2 “safe zone” for many months, Bob and Carol decided to move to Stage 3. It was an obvious, natural and, of course, extremely pleasurable step to take. And then…
Everything changed between them. They were no longer “just friends” living independent lives and seeing each other when it was mutually convenient. The “After” in their case was a subtle but noticeable shift to a different relationship. They had mated, and the consummation made them a couple.
For Carol, the shift to this new phase of the relationship was meaningful. Bob was everything she wanted in a partner: smart, happy, and adventurous. She truly believed they could both remain independent – to a point. After all, they now would be sharing their lives as a couple.
For Bob, he’d been there before. He knew what would happen after Stage 3, and yet he allowed himself to be pulled in. He cherished his freedom, and being part of a couple was, to him, an anathema to freedom. Their ‘pre-Stage 3’ friendship was gone, and he was sad for the loss.
Epilogue
Bob and Carol did not become a couple and live happily ever after. Could Bob have given in; disregarding his truth to satisfy Carol’s NEED to be a couple? Yes, but ultimately it would have failed miserably and dissolved into an even more painful end.
The Process – “Know Your Truth”
Before Stage 3 with Carol, Bob lived life according to his truth: being happy and free to pursue his interests. He believed having a partner restricted this freedom. And even though Carol was amazing in so many ways, he refused to abrogate his truth.
While this is a relatively simple example of the importance of knowing your truth, it illustrates how the ‘first step’ in the process works…
STEP 1 – What do you Want?
A simple question that you MUST ask yourself before moving to Stage 3. While some may argue this self examination is unnecessary – especially if the woman is exceptional and there is a possibility of living the rest of your life in a blissful romantic relationship. My response to that argument is, “if one is willing to take that risk, good luck.” The truth is, if you don’t know what you want before Stage 3, you’ll REALLY NOT KNOW in Stage 4. And I guarantee you will be miserable.
Knowing what you want is important. Just asking the question forces you to dig deep into yourself, learn what your priorities are, and discover your truth. This introspection requires total honesty, but I promise it will provide benefits in every aspect of your life – especially in your relationships.
STEP 2 – Knowing what you DON’T want in a woman
In my article Knowing what you DON’T want in a woman, I focus on the ‘don’t want’ list. Why? Because in my experience, knowing what I don’t want in a woman is much simpler than trying to identify everything I want.
If you think about it, probably every woman you meet has something new to offer. Things you might add to your what I want in a woman list. This is what makes the first two stages so fresh and exciting. A woman’s mystery factor increases your desire to know more about her. You pay attention to what she says and does. Trying to add things to the list beyond basic wants is unnecessary. Just enjoy this time with her; she may surprise you. However, if she does or says something that bothers you, make sure you take note. Because if it’s not on your ‘don’t want’ list, you’ll probably want to add it.
STEP 3 – Imagine the AFTER
This is where you put everything together and imagine what being with her would look like in Stage 4. You know what YOU want, you’ve compiled your want/not want list, and you’ve spent enough time with her to know the chinks (if any) in her armor.
Then, imagine what life with her would look like. From the mundane (basic chores, routines, work schedules) to the extreme (emergencies, financial adversity, family crisis), think about scenarios that would involve both of you. Then ask yourself, “Would this work for me? Could I be with this woman and still be true to myself (my truth)?”
If you can set emotion and bias aside, and try to look objectively at a future together, your odds of making a choice that will serve both of you well are dramatically improved.
The 4th Stage Mindset
And finally, if you choose to move forward and enter the After, The 4th Stage Mindset will help you effectively deal with – and derive maximum benefit from – your relationship. The beauty of the mindset is, it’s a useful, practical tool for managing virtually all aspects of your 4th Stage.
Life is way too short to waste time not being happy!
Chazz
Sage advice Chazz but there’s a chink in your armor.
We only care about stage 3 so why would we ever avoid it-how do we manage the exit process when stage 3 moves to 4 is the only relevant question
Maybe “Ignorance IS Bliss” – does the overthink in advance create later regrets? Tough one it is… cause saying ‘no’ out of the possibility of future pain prevention – may lead to its own kind of pain (and loneliness)
The point of the article was to create awareness of the Stage 3 consequences, because, I’m sure we all can agree, THERE ARE CONSEQUENCES when the trigger is pulled. The detail of ‘the process’ – illustrated by the Bob and Carol story – was to establish a context within which one could determine if the 4th Stage could work with the woman under consideration. I suppose I could have prefaced the article with a quick list of “does this article apply to you?” questions: 1) After Stage 3, do you care if you ever see the woman again? 2) After Stage 3, are you willing to give up your freedom (to do whatever you want) to be part of a couple? 3) After Stage 3, will you care what the woman says about you? If you answered ‘NO’ to any of these questions, you have no reason to read this article.
I must add that while the process was designed to provide a simple, logical way to gain some insight into a future Stage 4, it isn’t infallible. There may be unknown factors that could affect your judgement. Also, there may be emotional issues that you hadn’t considered. Just remember, the act of consummation is profound for a woman, and your relationship – whether you’ve known each other for a week or a year – will change PERMANENTLY! But who knows, you may get lucky and find your unicorn. OR you may find, in the immortal words of Colonel Kurtz, “the horror…the horror.”
Permalink
Permalink