In my article, “Friends with Benefits?” I asked the question, “Can a man and a woman just be friends in a non-romantic, sexual relationship?” My answer was, and still is, “YES, but…” I then described three FWB scenarios with the disclaimer, “While most FWB arrangements fall within one of these scenarios, there may be others.” I concluded with, “the relationship will continue until one of the friends becomes either disinterested or wants more (i.e., a romantic relationship).”
The FWB article has generated much discussion and debate. It seems everyone has strong feelings about this topic, and men, especially, want to believe an FWB arrangement could/should last indefinitely. After countless conversations, I thought I’d heard every possible FWB scenario, until an old buddy (RJ) told me about a recent experience he had with a female friend…
The Set-up –
RJ and Gina had known each other casually for three years. They had met through mutual friends and would occasionally see each other at social gatherings.
While they enjoyed each other’s company, romantic involvement seemed unlikely – primarily due to a 10-year age difference between them, and Gina had a boyfriend. Other than some harmless (yet always enjoyable) flirting, RJ never really considered Gina a potential romantic interest. Until one night…
Gina had invited some friends (including RJ) to her house for dinner. A good time was had by all as the party went late into the night; finally ending after all the food and most of the liquor was consumed. Gina’s boyfriend had to leave, so RJ stayed to help clean up. It was after midnight when they finished, and because RJ had quite a bit to drink, Gina asked if he wanted to stay over. She had an extra bedroom and “didn’t like being alone in the house.”
The Deal –
RJ fell asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. Then, at some point during the night, Gina came into his room and slipped into his bed. A bit groggy, RJ woke up and asked her if anything was wrong. “No,” she said, as she moved closer.
Attempting to control his primal urge and make sense of what was about to happen, RJ asked Gina to consider the consequences. “I need this,” she said, “and no one will ever know but you and me.”
The next morning, Gina left the house before RJ woke up. She had made coffee and left a note:
RJ, thanks for helping with the cleanup last night. Please turn off the coffee pot and lock the door when you leave. Gina
It was a few weeks later when RJ saw Gina again. She was with her boyfriend at a party. When she saw RJ, she greeted him with a friendly hug as if nothing ever happened between them.
Now, before I give you my take on this potential FWB scenario, let’s go over some key points:
Casual Friends – Unlike a typical FWB arrangement, RJ and Gina were just ‘casual friends.’ They didn’t spend time alone together and only saw each other occasionally.
Mechanical vs Passionate Sex – ‘Mechanical sex’ for men happens when, 1) a female for hire provides sex without an emotional connection, or 2) a ‘just met’ female engages in mutually beneficial sex without an emotional connection (typical one-night stand). ‘Passionate sex’ happens when a man and woman know each other and an emotional connection is made. RJ and Gina experienced some degree of passionate sex.
On-going Benefits – One of the defining elements of a Friends with Benefits arrangement is ‘on-going sexual encounters.’ RJ and Gina’s ‘one-time’ encounter falls outside the FWB norm. A disqualifying factor? Maybe not…
The fact that RJ and Gina were friends (albeit casual), I believe qualifies this scenario as a Friends with Benefits arrangement – even though a sexual encounter happened only once. What do you think? Should we add this FWB possibility to our list?
One last thing…
Gentlemen, here is another example of the sexual power women hold over men. Gina ‘chose’ to have sex with RJ. She knew exactly what she was doing and executed her plan flawlessly: boyfriend gone, RJ stayed, the note, the getaway, their secret. Got it? But what if the roles were reversed? Could RJ have been accused of coercion, intimidation, or sexual assault? You get the idea.
The bottom line…
As with every opportunity for a sexual encounter with a female friend, men MUST consider all relevant factors: relationship interference (hers/yours), circumstances (where/when/how…), and – of course – the After (S4). And while the RJ example is rare, you should feel confident that if the opportunity presents itself, a ‘one-night stand with a friend’ could be one of the greatest gifts you’ll ever receive.
So remember, here at The 4th Stage we’re dedicated to fostering awareness and understanding of how, what, and why women do what they do, and giving men the resources to have what they want.
Life is way too short to NOT be happy!
Chazz
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